Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

Friday, 29 June 2007

Why do people feel the need to tell me how fat I am? Why?

Is it some biological imperative where they believe on some cellular primal level that they themselves will catch this fattening disease if they don;t point it out in me first? Do they think it makes me feel good?

Do these impotent retards sit at home and think Gee, Better tell Luke that he’s getting rather TUBBY cause he looks like he needs a pick me up. Is there any logic in that Good Lord, ANY??

Apparently not.

I don’t like fake people, those saccharine sweet “OH how do you do? Oh yes I know, Don't you look fabulous??” bullshit artists. And then this new rash of brutal honesty isn’t really at all to my taste either. I mean does anyone enjoy being told that they’re a fat shit?

I mean lets not dilly dally round the old mulberry bush. I’m not a slight man. I am by no measure lithe. However, I don’t feel that I’m in the John Candy focus group of fatness yet either. So what is it that compels people to say to me things like:

“Oh hey Luke, you’ve put on a bit of weight since I saw you last.”

REALLY? I had a case of Haemorrhoids too, lets talk about that shall we?? Maybe you’d like to comment on whether or not you think my hair makes me look like a homeless person also...?

I just fail to understand how this is acceptable conversation. I mean wasn’t it always “Hi how you doin’? How are the kids/partner/schoool/work/dog/grandmama? Oh lovely I’m just on my way to the shops to buy beer/vegetables/tampons/apples/bog-roll, I’ll catch you later.” ?

I mean I don’t go up to people and say “Hey Lucy, Geez your ugly.” or “Hey David, your complexion is a lot more blemishy since I saw you last.”

There are only a few explanations that I can really come up with:

A. People hate me. Therefore, telling me I’m fat is explained, but why they continue chatting is a bit of a mystery...

B. The rules of society suddenly changed over night without my knowledge and it is now perfectly all right to tell people that they are fat in passing conversation...

C. ...Well, I can’t really think of another reason...

Perhaps I have the opposite of Anorexia? Perhaps I am actually a rather obese individual but when I look in the mirror I see a fairly normal sized person. Whatever the reason it is becoming very disconcerting. I’m wondering if I should develop a case of bulimia to start trimming down the waist line...? I mean if you ignore the acid-ravaged teeth, the increased risk of falling over DEAD from heart attack or stroke... Bulimia is kind of an attractive option. All right, maybe not.

I suppose it’s up to me to start the defence, and they say that the best defence is a good offence right? So the next time I run into a casual acquaintance, I think I might start with :

“Hey! Whoa! Wait a minute... Are you piling on the pounds? Gee willickers fatty, you’re really porkin’ up huh?

Anyway, how’s your study going?”

Sounds like a good opener to me.

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